Culinary Delights

by Laitaine

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all associated characters and places belong to Paramount.  No infringement on trademarks and copyrights was intended.  This was written purely for entertainment and not for monetary gain.  Do not archive without permission and keep my name attached at all times.
Summary: Kathryn and B'Elanna try their hand at cooking.
Rating: PG-13
Content: Janeway/Chakotay, Paris/Torres, Humour
Author's Notes: A response to the JetCJr8 Breasts challenge: I dare you to write a story in which Torres tells Janeway to hold onto her breasts... I think I'd faint from terror while trying to think of KJ's probable response... -Puck This is very silly. Consider yourself duly warned.
Feedback is very gratefully received at
Copyright © Laitaine 28th February 2000

"I can't believe we're doing this!" B'Elanna exclaimed.

"I can't believe Chakotay tricked us into this!" Kathryn countered.

"Speak for yourself, this is Tom's fault!" B'Elanna was wielding an evil looking knife at the time and she got an evil glint in her eye.

"B'Elanna, put the knife down..." Kathryn tried to calm the irate half-Klingon.  "You're meant to be chopping vegetables, nothing else."

B'Elanna returned to the chopping board and grabbed one of the carrots Kathryn had just peeled and began to cut it.  "I say we castrate them," she declared.

"The carrots?" Kathryn asked, purposely facetious.  "I don't think you can, B'E."

"Ha ha!"  B'Elanna's voice was monotone.

"I don't know, but I'm sure the transporter pad needs manual degauzing, that would suffice while we decide what do to."

"And there's a couple of neural gel packs that need fixing, it's a messy job," B'Elanna grinned wickedly.

"I could take away their replicator rations and force them to eat Leola Root stew for a week," Kathryn suggested.

"I still say we castrate them as well," B'Elanna said, popping the carrots into the wok with the other vegetables.

"I don't know about that..." Kathryn said reluctantly as she finished cut the chicken breasts into strips.

"Hmmm, you have a point, perhaps it is a bit excessive, I mean, we'd lose out as well...  Maybe we could just refuse to sleep with them for a week or too," B'Elanna proposed.

Kathryn laughed.  "I like the way you think, B'Elanna," she said, preparing to scrape the chicken from the chopping board and into the wok.

"No!" B'Elanna shouted, "Hold on to your breasts!" she exclaimed.

Kathryn replaced the chopping board to the side, placed her hands on her hips and raised one eyebrow.  "Why?"

"I don't think the chicken goes in yet."

"I think I mis-heard you, what did you say?"

"I don't think..."

"Before that."

"Hold onto to your, oh."

"Yes," Kathryn said, lowering her hands from her hips, her eyebrow returning to a normal position.

"Sorry," B'Elanna said.  "You can put the chicken in now."

"Are you sure we shouldn't have put the chicken in first?"

"I don't know?  I'm an engineer, not a chef!"

"I really am going to kill Chakotay."

"Having second thoughts about castration?"

"No.  I couldn't," Kathryn said.  Then she noticed that the vegetables were more than cooked.  "B'Elanna, the vegetables are burning."

"Oh Gods!"  B'Elanna rushed to take them off the heat.  "I think you were right.  Chicken first."

"Oh well.  They're not too bad.  We can warm them up in a minute.  Let's finish the chicken."

"So, what about the second option?"

"It seems slightly over the top.  Why don't we just make them cook dinner for us next week?"

"They probably know what they're doing and won't burn the vegetables," B'Elanna said.

"They'll probably realise the error of their ways when they taste this anyway.  They'll do everything in their power to keep us away from a kitchen."

B'Elanna checked her chronometer.  "They should be here in a minute."

"I'll go set the table," Kathryn offered, eager to leave the final stages of cooking to B'Elanna.  Once done, Kathryn disappeared back into the kitchen.

Kathryn looked around.  B'Elanna was just serving up and she saw the mess they had made.  "Neelix will kill us when he sees what we've done to his kitchen."

B'Elanna laughed.  "Ooops."  She noticed the matches on the side.  "Did you light the candle?"

"No," Kathryn told her.

As B'Elanna went to light them, Tom and Chakotay arrived and sat down, grinning from ear to ear.

B'Elanna considered grabbing her chopping knife and inflicting damage, but she didn't.  Kathryn, she decided, would probably hurt her if she hurt Chakotay...  But she did dodge away from Tom when he tried to kiss her cheek in way of greeting.

Suddenly, she saw that there were no napkins.

Walking back into the kitchen, she almost bumped into Kathryn who was taking out the plates.

"Hold onto your breasts," she said, this time on purpose.  At Kathryn's inquisitive look she explained.  "No napkins."


"And they look very amused."

"I am actually going to kill him," Kathryn said for the tenth time that evening.

Chakotay heard from where he was sitting and could smell burnt food.  He began to regret ever daring the Captain and Chief Engineer to cook.

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